I used to perform a lot and write songs… Then I thought, “Why am I doing this?” Is it to feed my ego because I like hearing the sound of my own voice too much or is it because of a message, pulling words like a rope to see what’s on top of the mountain?
I so badly wanted to express this beautiful light force that inspired me, that I couldn’t fully understand yet, but learned more about as I wrote from a higher place. At the same time, I had a lot of anger towards myself and people so I liked the idea of splatting and letting everybody in a room know this is how much I don’t give a fuck, “I’ll take this space, rap over the damn beat, and koo if you dig it or fuck it if you don’t cuz it’s done.”
It’s two totally DIFFERENT highs and I was afraid that the growing polarity between them would split my spirit in half.
I was young and I knew I had too much passion. I was too susceptible to bad habits. By then, I was already doing and consuming whatever I could to force myself to stay in one frame of mind enough to finish a piece of writing. It was a frustrating, self deprecating process. I felt like a hypocrite and I hated going up not meaning what I say 100% like how could I perform about peace when there’s a person in the audience I was a bitch to out of my own shortcoming. I thought the goal was to figure out my typecast – raw, lyrical aggressor or peacemaker? If I don’t have a consistent attitude or demeanor in my writing, am I poser? What’s real? Where does my ego end and inspiration begin? Am I doing this for truth or am I locking myself up in a self imposed categorical box?
I’m not delusional. It’s not like I had a crazy following, though people liked my shit when I performed. It wasn’t even about being the best. It was about being able to pin point the truth and spotlight it, expose it, make it eternal by releasing it out into the atmosphere, with sincere definition that people could understand. So what is the truth? Could I ever be sure about it? I was trying to master some art of authenticity.
The pressure that I might not be genuine wouldn’t let me write… I couldn’t perform anymore either. I hated the idea of an audience affecting what I felt about who I was. Yes, it’s a symbol about being in society. I wanted independence – to find out what it meant to be one person, with pure ideas for the fuck of ideas, melodies that matched the actual colors in my head, expanding in privacy.
For years, I ran away from ego like it was the boogie man so much so that I didn’t realize in constantly trying to run from it, I was actually giving it more attention. I was obsessing, almost like I was unintentionally worshiping it with fear. I beat myself with doubt and insecurity saying, “What happened to me? Even if I was full of shit back then, at least I owned it for a second when I got a second.”
Like a domino of progression, my spiritual quest became the most important thing in my life. That’s where I had the most genuine questions, feelings, and answers about myself. It’s not an exterior battle or about me versus the world. It wasn’t about being swayed by society, it was about pulling from inside a divine source that translated in my own energy wave as it came out. It was internal. My battle ground wasn’t a stage or relationships with people, it was inside. I shattered every version of myself that I forced on my spirit.
Finally it happened.
The divine came to me and showed me a quick yet unforgettable view of pure joy. With the divine… away from static, after breaking down any old ideas about what makes me valuable, I conquered my ego. I learned three things:
Focus on REPRESENTATION, not ego – if you find yourself outside of the box, in the realm where peace and love is the truest thing you know, echo. Let people know you’re there because there’s some one busting to hear a voice that this place exists. If people could admit it, everyone wants to believe that we can create a positive reality where everyone is inspired and lifted. Loving your way though all the static is the ultimate form of rebellion.
Full existential space – get to know it. Use it by doing what makes you feel free, savoring with all your senses, satisfying the inner child, your present self, and higher self. That’s intimacy with existing.
HONOR your impulse for life and for goodness. It’s the best favor you could ever do for yourself.
Without my ego, in my humble awe of the divine in everything, I have never felt so vast.
When it comes down to it, I don’t care what happens to my music. Rap was just a medium for me to battle my ego. I forgot about the pressure of performing. Alone in my room, round after round, we battled. And though I know it will always be there, I will never let it get in the way of experience with the divine.
“Once you awaken, you shall remain awake eternally” – Nietzsche
Another thing, polarity is an art and means for manifestation. I’ll get to that later.